I guess this is how Christmas will end, with me sleeping alone downstairs and you upstairs, stewing over something that you think is my fault, when it’s completely out of my control.
I wish that when it came to your music, you would realize that all I ever try to do is help you. Why on earth you think that I’m trying to hold you back or make things more difficult for you is beyond me. You ask for my help, then get angry about the help I offer. We have been here so many times before, angry and upset, over a similar situation. I do admit that there have been occasions when I have been wrong, trying to control the outcome to what I thought was best. This time, however, really is due to forces outside of my control. Time, location, service.
I think though, that for the sake of our relationship, it’s best that I relinquish my position as your…god, I don’t even know what my title is; I do so much: marketing, booking, managing, PR, etc. I mulled this over on more than one occasion, and it just seems like the best option for both of us. I don’t want to keep having problems in our relationship as friends and as man and wife just because we don’t see eye-to-eye when it comes to your music. It would be best for me, and for you, if I just step back, and let you do these things. Let me be a fan rather than something else.
Deep down, I know that this will make things somewhat difficult for you, since I’m the one with the knowledge on how to add/change your website, upload media to your social media accounts and all the other small things I do for you. That’s part of the reason why I’ve talked myself out of this decision before. But this time, well this time, I see that even though it’ll be hard for you at first, eventually you will figure it all out and make do. This is not worth the strain that it puts on us. To me, it is a very big deal that I’m here, by myself in bed on Christmas night, feeling utterly despondent on account of how you chose to get upset with me. You know this is my favorite holiday, and to even think about how selfish you would be by throwing the fit that you are, brings unwanted tears to my eyes. I hate that I’ve allowed you to get to me once again, and that I’m weak enough to be rattled so easily.
I refuse to go forward not learning from my mistakes. So even though you may not like my withdrawal from your music hobby, I really am convinced that it’s the best decision, if not for you, than for me. Sometimes we have to look out for ourselves, especially when our loved ones are too blind to do so.
Maybe it’s the pessimist in me…but I can’t help but to start dreaded tomorrow, even though tonight hasn’t even come to an end yet. We have a three hour drive home, which I’m sure will be awkward and full of silence. We also have tickets to the ballet, but I’m already making peace with the very real possibility that I may be experiencing it alone. That’s okay though. I’m making the decision now to go no matter what happens, even if that means going sans you. I don’t care much for company when we are arguing or when we aren’t speaking to one another, so a date for one is fine by me. I refuse to let you be the single source of my happiness.