Have you ever found yourself placing expectations on God? It sounds crazy to do, but we do it more often than we realize.
On New Year’s Day I found myself sitting in my study staring at my new, blank journal. I’m not crazy about New Year’s, nor am I a fanatic of making resolutions. Honestly, it feels like any other day to me, so I’ve never really bought into the hype of making big resolutions. Yet for some reason, this year I made a short list of things I’d like to accomplish, not just for 2019, but for life in general. At the top of my list: beat cancer.
Beating cancer is not something that I woke up deciding to do on January 1st. Since my diagnosis two and a half years ago, beating cancer was always the endgame for me. As I sat at my desk, I began to realize that I am so very tired, and I also realized that I was disappointed.
Here I am, two and a half years later, still battling cancer, unable to work, watching my family and friends move forward as my life continued in a complete standstill. All of my friends have taken and passed the bar exam, are settling into their careers, having children and building their families, and I’m here still battling cancer.
Then I realized the source of my disappointment: I had placed my expectations on God. Over this journey, I’ve pushed onward in faith, choosing to trust God no matter what His will for me was. I thought I was truly trusting His plan. But as I sat in my chair, deeply disappointed in life and my circumstances, I had a revelation that I had expected that God would have healed me by now or cancer would’ve killed me. Either way, I wouldn’t be where I am now, a mouse stuck in cancer’s running wheel.
I cannot clearly pinpoint when I created this expectation. Looking back, all I remember is the struggle of pressing onward in faith amidst the dire situations cancer has placed on me. I thought I was doing this right, placing all my trust in Him, when really I had created in my mind what I was expecting God to do for me. When it didn’t happen the way I subconsciously planned, I was drawn into a dark pit of sadness and disappointment in my situation, and if I’m being totally honest, in God.
I decided that I don’t want to live by my expectations. I want to live according to what He has for me because I know that His plans are far superior to anything I can do for myself. Letting go of expectations is a daunting task, one without step-by-step instructions. Head in hands, I was at a complete loss as to how I’d even begin to step out of the predicament I’d placed myself in. So I began seeking Him out in prayer.
Rather than praying just to pray or for lack of answers, I began asking that He’d reveal to me a simple way in which I could step out of my own expectations and directly into His will for my life. After seeking Him out for this for a few days, He revealed one word to me: genuine.
So, the girl with no New Year’s resolutions, now has a word to live by for 2019 and beyond. I intend to live seeking truth, His truth, and I seek a life of genuineness. No more masquerading my pain or the un-pretty areas of life. Today, I choose sincerity and honesty.