I saw your face today for the first time in a while, and I was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions that hit me. I can’t even begin to sift through them all – a tinge of jealousy, a whole lot of hurt + bewilderment at the thought of what our relationship looks like now. More than that, I experienced anger: toward you and myself. I’m angry that we each allowed this to happen. When did it become okay for us to hurt each other? When did you decide that you weren’t going to have my back anymore – that you would instead substitute me for another? Was it a conscious decision?
There were things (one thing in particular) that I confided to you, and I felt so at ease and relieved afterward when you responded that you understood because you had been in my shoes. This was a deeper level of common ground than I had with anyone else in my life at that time. Tell me, did you betray my trust? How many people know now?
I’ve always been plagued by the irreconcilable accounts I’ve heard from those closest to you. I knew you – at least I thought I did – as one person, but then I was told things about your character that I couldn’t comprehend. Surely they weren’t true. But then again, it wouldn’t be the first time I was overly trusting of someone, only to be marred in the end. Only you + Him know the truth of who you really are.
There are so many things to say, but my mind can’t process it all quick enough.
I let you in…into my work, my home, my family, my life.
I let you in.
& for a moment, you destroyed me.
Don’t worry. Don’t blame yourself for it. It’s not your fault this happened. It’s my fault for ever believing you in the first place.