I saw your face today for the first time in a while, and I was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions that hit me. I can’t even begin to sift through them all - a tinge of jealousy, a whole lot of hurt + bewilderment at the thought of what our relationship looks like now. … Continue reading Dear Nobody – Part III
Have you ever found yourself placing expectations on God? It sounds crazy to do, but we do it more often than we realize. On New Year's Day I found myself sitting in my study staring at my new, blank journal. I'm not crazy about New Year's, nor am I a fanatic of making resolutions. Honestly, … Continue reading A Call to Genuine Living
This year, "being thankful" doesn't quite look the same for me as it has in the past. I'm dealing with a different type of brokenness that I've never experienced before. My Thanksgiving plans have been tossed high into the air in light of my current physical plight. As I write this, rather than being home … Continue reading A New Take on Gratitude
This Veteran’s Day, I challenge you join me in taking 5 days this week to pray for our veterans.
Unquenchable Unable to be quenched - not capable of being satisfied, quelled, or discouraged. I love when God so perfectly orchestrates life in order to meet your needs. For this long I’ve managed to maintain a positive outlook on life, despite the curveballs that are thrown our way. At times, the world around me seems … Continue reading Unquenchable
"The results from your last scan show that the primary brain tumor you have has shrunk one millimeter since you began the clinical trial a month ago." Excitement welled up inside me. Tears flooded my eyes. Finally, positive news. Finally, I'm on track to wellness. Then, my prayers of thanksgiving began. To some, it seems like … Continue reading Zoe: A Symbolic Teddy
E. That’s what I will call the man who I met today (for anonymity purposes). We spent two hours talking about anything and everything: life as a cancer patient, family, society, politics, religion, you name it. Despite my social anxiety, I really enjoy meeting new people because I believe that we each have valuable insight … Continue reading A Fighter Named E.
Sorry for the pensive face, but I'm about to wrap up week one of chemo, and I went to go pee only to realize that I had my underwear on inside out all day. I choose to blame this oversight on Lyle, and I am also choosing to focus on the fact that inside out … Continue reading One week down!
“Make sure you rest today. I want to make sure you’re feeling well enough to handle tomorrow.” The tomorrow that Mosha speaks of is the Veteran’s Benefit Car Show downtown where KGDM Life will be performing. The show is from 10am-3pm, and they will be performing around noon, multiple sets if I’m not mistaken, with … Continue reading Prepping for Tomorrow’s Show
I am grateful to have a hubby who pushes me and supports my craft. I am also pretty excited to participate in The Sketchbook Project, where my sketchbook will become a permanent part of the Brooklyn Art Library’s (BAL) collection beginning June 2018! I will be working on my sketchbook from now until April, when … Continue reading The Sketchbook Project
Well, I suppose I am long overdue for a medical/life update. Normally around this time I would be taking a nap, but there’s currently a technician in my house doing technical things, so I can’t go have a nap until after he’s done. Honestly, I should probably try and stay awake until this evening anyway … Continue reading Mini update
Today I added a prayer for my fellow warriors onto the prayer wall. Fight on. ✊🏽
The reality of brain cancer. This custom-fitted mesh mask is used to bolt me down on the table while radiation beams are pinpointed at Lyle. This happens 5 times a week for 4 weeks straight.
Cancer hurts those who fight from the sidelines, but it cannot cripple love. Thank you @monabeille @brittyzombiehunter @finchstacey for campaigning for me. Click here to visit fund.
When you are faced with terminal cancer, one of the things that you inevitably end up doing is evaluating the things you want to do before you die. I was fortunate enough that my family accommodated one of my last wishes by planning a family trip to Disney this last May, where I was able … Continue reading Help Me Complete This!
God, Love, Synergy.
I've lived my life Being judged For being genuine, But Others are loved, And accepted, For being Fake.
I stood in the store aisle Pondering which holiday tablecloth piqued my interest the most-- Red with white snowflakes, White with silver trees, Or the rustic reindeer. My hands fumbled, Attempting to match fabric napkins With each design. People came and went, Bumping into my cart, As I still contemplated. On one such occasion, I … Continue reading Breathless
Morning kisses from Mosha When mom sings "You are my sunshine" to me Chocolate smoothies Random check-in calls from Pops Good books Dailies with the Nerd Herd Taking pictures Sunday night Walking Dead with Mosha Christmas time (the trees, lights, baking, decorations, music and time with family) Milo's floppy ears and Leesi's nap time snuggles … Continue reading Happiness
When your reality turns out to be fantasy, mind tricks if you will, it can be an earth-shattering, scary thing. I suspected that the fleeting shadows were figments of my imagination. Sometimes you look from the left to the right too quickly and you think you see something that in reality isn't there at all. … Continue reading Today
Sometimes, more than others, I am weary of life. There are different reasons why I feel this way, various contributing factors, but a lot of the time people have a lot to do with it. Often, we have encounters with others that are unpleasant, and I have come to realize that even as someone who … Continue reading Be Kind to One Another
Well after having numerous emotional breakdowns over the past few weeks, we (My medical team, Mosha and my parents) have decided that its best for me to try to regain some independence. Relying on other people for every little thing has taken a toll on me in many ways, and while I cannot control other … Continue reading Regaining independence, one step at a time
Today was emotional for me.I don't really have a reason for being emotional today, other than the fact that I just woke up feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and anxious without cause.Radiation went well, considering the fact that you know, its radiation. Afterward, I was scheduled to see Dr. H (my psychiatrist at the cancer center), … Continue reading Emotions are fickle
Today was day one of radiotherapy. For those of you who don't know, radiotherapy uses radiation, such as x-rays, gamma rays, electron beams or protons, to kill or damage cancer cells and stop them from growing/multiplying. It's a localized treatment, so it only affects the area where they direct the radiation. Unfortunately for me, the … Continue reading Radiotherapy, Day One
The worst feeling is when your doctor suggests that your parents aren't suited to be your caregivers. Its not for lack of willingness, but because mum herself is ill, and I worry for her health. I get stressed about her well-being and feel guilty when I know she isn't feeling well but is slaving away … Continue reading Something I didn’t want to hear
I've been having more and more anxiety lately, sometimes for no reason at all. Its like I'll be okay one minute, then the next I'm all tears and "woe is me" but I feel like I'm losing it at times. The constant ups and downs are exhausting in all ways possible.For once I would love … Continue reading An-xie-ty
So my pain (unfortunately) keeps getting worse. I've used more pain medicine in the last two months than I have in the last year of having cancer. Our fears were confirmed when I had my PET scan done and found out that Lyle has grown to the size of a golf ball, and I now … Continue reading New tumors & a relentless Lyle
Everyone has an idea of what makes them them, and for me, I have always been someone who likes to think of themselves as strong. When faced with adversity, I choose to state at it emotionless, in the face. Sure, I might be terrified, but I don’t like to show it. I feel the need … Continue reading Even tough people crack
I'm having a hard time finding the will to write. Sometimes I don't feel physically able and other times its because I feel like I have changed. When I pick up my pen or laptop, I find myself unable to put anything of substance down. Nowadays, not a lot matters. The days just pass me … Continue reading Writing because I have to
My pain has grown so much over the last few weeks. I mostly stay at home now, doped up so I can make it through the day. I barely have any interest in anything. I don't have an appetite most days. I feel a lump perpetually in my throat. I tend to dread going to … Continue reading A moment of emo-ness
So its been apparent to me that I've been a little more angry than usual. I feel like it was bound to happen at some point. Although the drugs account for a large portion of my mood swings, I also have to take ownership for my lack of patience and increased resentment over the past … Continue reading Renewed vigor, for the moment
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
An update for everyone --I received my stem cell transplant today. It was a rather grueling day: seven straight hours hooked up to various machines getting pumped full of different medicines and eventually, someone else's blood. But, thankfully, it is over, and procedurally, everything went well. Now we wait to see if my body takes … Continue reading Stem Cell Transplant — Complete!
I wish I knew how to describe how this feels. Each time is different, and I think that's part of what makes this horrible. You never know how it will make you feel. They do their best to anticipate what will happen so before they ever even administer the chemo drugs they pump you full … Continue reading That odd sensation
I hate sitting in my room, in the lap of luxury. I look around and it's like the walls are eating me, it's like some disease and I can't scratch it off my skin. I drag my nails over goosebumps and hate being here. I shake and cry cold and silent tears in a too … Continue reading Almost asleep
Ever had a moment when you just don't know how you do it? How you keep going? How you made it this far? Ever looked back and cringed at all the years taken from you by depression and thought, oh god, it's no wonder I don't know how to function. I didn't for so long, … Continue reading Moments.
I’m an open book, but just because you’ve read my pages doesn't mean I trust you. You can read all my passages, learn every word by heart. You'll never understand me.I don't hide things, yet I have secrets. Each word is written in ink, blood, ash and tears. Stained with years of torment, broken hearts … Continue reading Open.
I talked to my oncologist today. She explained the cancer to me in a way I hadn't heard before. She said its almost like a car's computer. She said if the car's computer is malfunctioning, it might set off the oil gauge or the battery gauge in the car or any other gauge. It doesn't … Continue reading I am an Autobot.
Hello people!It's been a hectic few days. I worked most of Friday, and my last two appointments were for Nay Nay & Lee Lee, so after we finished they treated me to dinner at Cherry Blossom Noodle Cafe. I was looking forward to our dinner all week because I am currently obsessed with their Chicken … Continue reading Plans & Pneumonia
Today Andrew and I went on an adventure to partake in the festivities at the annual Festival of the Arts put on by the Herberger Theater. There was live music, performances, children's activities and food/shopping -- oh, and of course, lots of art!Our first stop was to the food court area where the live music … Continue reading Herberger Theater Festival of the Arts
Well, it has been one heck of a day. Ups and downs for sure… I had an appointment this afternoon to do some follow-up testing. (I completed a similar set of tests at the onset of diagnosis.) The tests were extensive and focused on various brain functions. I’ll tackle each area one at a time. … Continue reading I’m Angry at Lyle
It was a pretty lazy, uneventful day for me. I've been dealing with a horrible headache since Sunday. Honestly, it's rather frustrating that no matter what I do or what remedies or medications I try, the pain doesn't ease up. I've take Tylenol, ibuprofen, Excedrin, and the Vicodin I was prescribed. I've slept, made sure … Continue reading The Scars of Battle
I don't feel like a good person. I wanted to open with that because once the truth is stated, there's nothing left to hide. I could have done so much more with my life up to this point. I didn't. I'm selfish. I always have been. Some regrets we carry until the day we die. … Continue reading Just thoughts.